Photo: Early Morning Before Sunrise, Schweitzer Mountain, Idaho; take by Todd A. Spencer, 2018
Music: Ead’s Alpine Experience by Trace Bundy*
(tracebundy.com)
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Lectio Divina 
Todd, the crescendo of my life has been building up to the dream of motherhood. And now, after years of serving children in ministry–always teaching and encouraging but never getting to hold or hug–I am facing the devastating news of infertility. The question that runs through my mind, the angry question with which I have become obsessed, is: Why, if I have given my all, my entire life to teaching children about Christ, am I not able to be the one thing my heart desires the most? For the past 2 months I have been walking around in a fog, keeping myself busy, too mad to sit still and meditate or think or pray–because that would mean being finally face to face with the one thing that I cannot have. Yesterday, the activity at our after-school program was about being thankful. It was then that I realized I can at least be thankful for what I am and what I do have. But that does not erase the sadness and longing. With pain, I pick kids up from school in the bus, bracing myself for a life of being called “bus driver” instead of “mom.” With pain in my heart, I greet moms and babies and toddlers at the after-school program door as they arrive to pick up their little ones who race to jump up into their arms. With pain, I go home alone in my car with no one to read to or tuck in at night. I am trying very hard not to have a pity party for myself. I realize this is still fresh in the big scheme of things. What your meditation practice this week has helped me to see is that in order to keep on going in a purposeful, unselfish way is to finally sit with my feelings (however dark). Thank you for your words before and after today’s Scripture. Your guidance to sit face to face with whatever stands out in the reading has helped me to see that in my anger–even in my anger, perhaps especially in my anger–I can and should sit with it, address it, question it, and let it shape me.
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O my, Tiffany. Your honesty and courage and willingness and faith, right now, in this moment in your life, is a witness to what it looks and feels like to abide with God in the real nitty-gritty world. I am humbled and honored that I could have even a small part of your saying yes to your path with Christ. May you truly sense God’s abiding with you today. May God’s unconditional love for you be strength in your heart. May it be light on your path. Go in the peace of Christ. With you, Todd
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Dear Tiffany,
I am sorry for the delay on reply here. I am humbled by your honest sharing and faithfulness to “sit face to face with whatever stands out” as you pray and meditate with me, with God. May all of you be surrounded by God’s nearness and grace however you are feeling. May God’s shaping be felt as a shaping of love. May each little one sent into your life sense your sweet love as holy. May you know that you are enough and you belong here on our Earth, in this universe, as an important part of God’s Great Good unfolding.
One Who is With You, With God,
Todd
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Well, now I see I have replied twice to your note, Tiffany. Maybe that was in some plan? I overlooked my first reply. But, there ya go. Bless you!
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